Conversational Boundaries without Stonewalling

Conversational Boundaries without Stonewalling 

During stressful times,  we can become very uncomfortable and if we continue talking, we can feel overwhelmed. We become physiologically agitated; this is called flooding. Think about the last time you had a difficult conversation that upset you. Did you want to just leave? Did you feel that you needed to control yourself from saying what you truly felt?  Or did you try to avoid a fight, and later, felt resentful? Or did you blow up and say things that you later wished you could take back?

These are instances of flooding which leads to stonewalling. According to research done by Dr. John Gottman, people heightened physiological arousal during conflictual discussions or “flooding.” Flooding happens in any relationships where you may have unresolved differences of opinion. This can happen when you have differences of opinion with friends, coworkers, parents, siblings or in-laws. At this time people's heart rate rises to over 100 beats per minute. You feel overwhelmed and intensely stressed.

When we are flooded, our capacity to hear and understand someone else is limited. You may be more likely to say or do something you will later regret.

In addition, flooding isn’t good for your health. It suppresses your immune system, which makes you more susceptible to infectious illnesses. If we don’t take the time to lower your level of stress, you may end up stonewalling which is when we disengage and emotionally withdrawn from the interaction. Your stony silence is not showing neutrality or setting a boundary. It communicates disapproval and emotional distance.

So how can you manage stressful conversations without stonewalling? First is to self-soothe – this is an antidote to stonewalling. You take a few deep breaths breathing. Then you can check-in with yourself and validate your feelings. Ask yourself what you need to feel centered. Give yourself permission to go in another room to cool down or out for a walk outside. Let your physical senses ground you.

Another idea is to use your sense of touch  to help you focus on how it feels. Use your sense of taste and sip and truly taste some tea. Use your sense of hearing and listen to a calming song. Use your sense of sight to look around the room and notice items in the room. Use your sense of smell and inhale through your nose and note any smells. It takes at least 20 minutes for your physiology to return to a calm baseline state.

During this time, try not to continue thinking about the upsetting situation, try not to think of better responses to your situation. This will only keep your focus on your feeling upset. Breathe. Focus. Relax your tensed muscles.

Another thing to do is, instead of fighting the feelings you experience internally, try to accept them without judgment as appropriate responses to these situations. You are dropping the internal struggle that causes anxiety and stress. You can still have opinions and beliefs and communicate in a way that respects your values and sets healthy boundaries.

When you are feeling less agitated, you may be able to truly listen to someone else’s feelings and points of view. You can set conversational boundaries without stonewalling. Setting boundaries is an important aspect of establishing who you are as a person and how others are allowed to treat you. As a crucial part of mental health, it also includes learning to be kind towards yourself. As a result, you can be less reactive, since you set the rules you live by and let others know of them as well.

Another example is letting someone know that if being disrespectful to you during your conversations, you will end the conversation. An example of how to say this could look like: “I’ve noticed that when we have discussions about this topic, I feel drained. I’d like to have this conversation with you, but only if you are willing not to make personal attacks. So, if our discussion overwhelms me, we need to take a break and return to it at a later time." Boundary setting informs the other person what your limits are and then enforces them. This is an act of kindness towards yourself and someone else. Life can be difficult. Let’s be compassionate towards ourselves and others. Let’s see the cup half full, not half empty. Even better, let’s self-soothe, practice acceptance, and communicate healthy boundaries so that our cups are full.